From the time I was six to the time I was about nine, I had one friend that I would play with almost everyday. We would bicker every now and again, but in this particular moment I thought we were doing great.
After a fun day of playing at her house I was putting my shoes on to go home, and in the next room over I heard that “friend” start bashing on me to her parents and brother.
“thank goodness that’s over! Kristen is so annoying and always has to have her way.”
More than 15 years later, I still remember what words were said and how they were said.
It was clear she talked like that behind my back often, as she jumped so fast into shit-talking mode that she forgot to wait for me to actually leave this time. It really stung to discover that my best friend hated me so much, and my nine-year-old heart totally sank in that moment.
Tears filled my eyes as I tried to get my shoes tied faster so I could get the hell out of there. Her brother poked his head around the corner to see that I hadn’t left and signaled for her to stop talking.
I never got an apology. Just fake politeness from her and her family to comfort me as I hurried out of that uncomfortable situation.
I cried that whole walk home. And then cried some more after getting home.
Want to know what’s even more messed up? I still considered her my friend, even after that. I put a lot into keeping our friendship going, but of course she stopped as soon as we hit junior high, and it wasn’t until I was about nineteen years old that I realized what a horrible friend she always was, and that I had spent more than a decade investing in this dead friendship.
To answer the second half of this prompt, yes. Yes, I have allowed this to follow me. I still don’t know if true gal-pals really exist. I still have this feeling that people are going to talk shit about me the moment I leave the room. And sadly, those theories have seemingly been proven right with each friend I’ve had since.
They all ditch me sooner or later.
Unless I’m useful for something. Whether it be for free advice in my field of work, or a job opportunity, or a free treatment. Or if I’m somehow connected to somebody they want to get closer to. Oh boy, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been blatantly used for that!
I’m so sick of these fake friends.
I’m tired of these jealous, competitive girls who put me down to feel better.
And it truly SUCKS that it has taken me this long to just accept this friendless path I’m apparently meant to be on. Sure, it’s a lonely one. But it’s even lonelier keeping these friendships alive for so long, only to one day realize how one-sided it has all been.
Besides, I’ve got my family. They matter way more than friends do anyway.
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