Lucky Day

Ignore the dust, but do you see my new dining chairs?  And how the clock matches perfectly?!

I don’t know when I turned into the kind of person that would get so excited over clocks and matching chairs.  But hey, they are freaking cute and I totally manifested them.

I was actually planning a road trip all the way to Wisconsin, just to buy chairs exactly like these.  That’s how crazy I was about them.

And then bam!  These appeared in the listings, not even 20 miles away from me. Not only that, but the sellers just dropped their original price by $25 as soon as I met up with them in person, which was so incredibly nice of them!

So I didn’t have to drive across the country, pay a ridiculous amount on shipping, or be haunted by furniture I would never have.  Today was a win!  Still wouldn’t mind taking a road trip though.  But I suppose we would want more of an itinerary than picking up a few chairs.

Prompt #8

 What is love in your own definition?

Love is the opposite of fear.  I think it’s related to being brave, in the sense that you are opening yourself up even though it could end up hurting you.

To me, love isn’t something you just fall in and out of.  Rather, it’s a choice that you continuously make.  The choice to set aside judgment and instead show kindness so that you can allow somebody to feel accepted and appreciated.

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I feel lucky because I have a loving family and I get to love so many people.  And I really do love my life!  But me?  I wish it weren’t so hard to just love me.

When I drink or use my meds in a more recreational way, I see a glimpse of the fun, creative girl that I used to be.  It’s easier to like myself when she comes out, and it seems other people like me better that way too.  Or maybe I just couldn’t give a crap about what other people think of me in that state of mind, even if I wanted to?  I don’t know.  I just know that I like being able to forget my insecurities, but the way I’ve been achieving it has been wreaking havoc on my health.

But I don’t know that I want to stop.

I don’t like, let alone love, who I am these days.  I miss the girl I was before I was hurt by fake friends and fake love.  The one who didn’t worry that she’d spot her ex’s family or one of their cronies in the safety of her hometown.  The one who would sing her heart out on her porch as she’d tinker around on a guitar.  A girl who didn’t feel held back in her self-made prison of emotional walls.  That girl wasn’t so scared of being hurt like I am.  She was so much more brave.

I suppose it’s a false sense of bravery, but numbing is the only way that I know how to find that right now.  It’s sad, isn’t it?  Sad that I have to use substances to make my brain shut off in order to quit judging myself.

I truly didn’t expect much from this prompt when I saw it, but it did get me thinking.  Is it trauma that has stopped me from singing, dancing, and even talking without tripping over my words?  Is there another way I can shut down this constant negative self-talk that makes me want to hide, rather than shut down my brain?

I want to stop judging myself and show myself some kindness, but I haven’t found a healthy way to do that yet.

Prompt #7

 What do I struggle with most and how can I fix it?

I feel like I just made a lengthy post about this, but I struggle to find genuine friends.  The people I befriend pretty much always use me and/or talk shit about me behind my back.  And I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t get to me.  It really does make me doubt myself.  It makes me wonder if I actually deserve to be treated that way.  Not that I’m such a perfect person who could do no wrong, but I’m going to go ahead and say that I deserve better than that.

So in a nutshell my solution to this struggle is to just not make friends anymore.  Once in a while I’ll find kindred spirits through my work, but it’s important to be professional and allow the client reach out as a friend if that’s what they’re comfortable with.  And maybe if I reach out to somebody that I haven’t seen in a while they could potentially become a friend.  But for now it’s easier to just keep my wall up.

And really, I’m not alone.  I’ve got my family on my side always and I’m totally happy when I’m with them.  So do I really need friends?  Nope.  But I do need to stop caring what people think about me.

Prompt #6

 When I think about my future, what am I most afraid of?

I’m probably most afraid of never doing anything meaningful.

Some days I think I’m good at my job.  Other days I can’t figure out what I’m doing it all for.  Most days, my motivation for keeping my business running is to make sure my parents get all of their money back.  They’ve invested so much into me, but I feel like I’ve been a failure.

Not only do I feel like I’m a burden, but I also can’t think of any legacy I’d be leaving behind if I died now.  The thought of being forgotten is scary to me, but I honestly don’t know what I have to offer this world.  I’m not sure what my talents are, or if I really have any, for that matter.

If I could figure out what my true passions are and what I think my calling in life is, I would love to use that to change the world around me.  But that’s all stuff that I’m yet to find, and I’m just hoping my search for it won’t lead to a dead end of nothing.

Lately I’ve felt like I’m good for nothing and it’s not a good feeling.  So I want to find myself. And maybe that’s why I’m answering these prompts.  

I have no idea where to really start looking, but I’m going to try to start by finding answers to these questions:  (1) What could this world use more of?  (2) How could I contribute?

Hopefully these questions can help me figure out what the meaning of my life is.

Prompt #5

 How do I handle anger and frustration?  Is this a healthy way to cope?

The way I respond depends on what I’m upset over.

Oddly enough, I feel like I’m alright at managing anger when it comes to big-ish things.  I just let myself go cry over it, then I talk to somebody.  Usually Taylor, Sarah, or my parents.

Thing is, it’s usually small things that get to me.  Things that are so small, it doesn’t feel worth making a fuss about it in the moment.  So I’ll just sigh and fix the thing that’s bothering me so I can move on.  But then these little annoying moments keep bottling up until it has happened one too many times, and then I finally blow up over the dumbest, smallest thing.

I know.

I know it’s not healthy to bottle things up.

But I’d rather not be mentioning it every single time I’m bugged by something because it’s a lot.  I would hate for somebody to feel nitpicked by me.

So I guess the real trick here is to learn how to not be bothered by so many things.  Is that possible?  Because I’d really like to stop being this way.  I swear I’m going to either give myself or Taylor an ulcer if I don’t fix this.

Prompt #4

 What are negative traits that I don’t like about myself? Why do I think I have these traits?

-The way I sabotage myself when I start to see success.  Maybe I’m scared of success because I’m afraid of losing it, so I subconsciously decide that I may as well lose out, but on my own terms.

-It seems like it takes me longer to let things go than it does for other people. I guess I’m just too sentimental.  And when it comes to forgiveness, I hang onto things even more.  I’m not sure why I am this way.  Probably because that’s how my mom is and I’m just a lot like her.

-It takes me way too long to apologize.  If I’m being honest with myself, I probably do that thinking the other person should first see my side of things.  I’ll totally apologize once they also admit that I have a point.  But let’s be real.  They’re not going to see my side, they’re just going to assume I’m too prideful to recognize that I’m in the wrong.  And that’s only half true.  I’ll know I’m in the wrong, but unfortunately I am prideful.

Prompt #3

What are things that easily trigger me and why do they trigger me?

•Um, the word ‘trigger’?  Because I feel like it’s overused by stupid leftists who feel that their personal triggers are everybody’s responsibility, except their own.   First of all, ew.  Second of all, no.  Figure out your own friggin’ triggers and make a plan to overcome them.  Stop throwing hissy fits because people aren’t catering to you and only you.

•Country and Rap.  Or as I like to abbreviate them: CRap.  They remind me of my ex husband.

•Seeing a Dickerson.  🤢  Even speaking that name makes me feel sick, so I guess let’s call them Voldemorts from now on.

•Having an in-law act even the littlest bit unfriendly toward me immediately makes me think they hate me.  And the thought that an in-law hates me puts me back in that panic mode I constantly lived in while I was married into that hateful Voldemort family from hell.  Shelby seems to dislike me no matter how hard I’ve tried, so that has been kind of hard for me to deal with.  But other then that, my in-laws seem to have accepted me into their family.

•Eating Goldfish Crackers makes me feel incredibly sad and anxious.  I suspect because 1) my digestive system doesn’t handle them well and 2) that was my go-to snack when I had my miscarriage last year.  Other foods bring back sad memories too.  Cup Ramen, Jolly Rancher Bites, and anything from Taco Bell give me panic attacks whenever I eat them.

•This one is so stupid, but when I notice  that somebody has seen my message and not replied.  This includes people not opening my messages, because it’s easy to see when they’ve recently reacted to something else or made a post.  In fact, that feels worse in my opinion because it just shows that they couldn’t even be bothered to read what I’ve put effort into writing.  Being left on read gives me anxiety that I said something wrong, so then I go hurting my own feelings some more by re-reading what I wrote and being double-reminded that they didn’t respond to me.  It just makes me feel like nobody likes me.  I mean, they probably don’t so guess that just sucks.

Anyway, that was enough reflection for one day and I may as well have titled this WAYS TO HURT ME.  Hopefully there isn’t anyone who would even read my blog who would use any of these against me, haha.

Prompt #2

 What am I most afraid of?

I am most afraid of a family member dying.  My family is all I really care about anymore.

Why am I afraid of that?

Death is something that I will have no control over and losing anyone would leave a hole in my life.

Losing Grandad was hard, even when I had a heads up that he was going to die of cancer.  After he died it took me years to not cry when I just mentioned him.

I still have a hard time really letting myself think of David.  His death was unexpected and happened way too soon.  This world doesn’t feel as bright without him in it.

And then Lisa passing away has been hard for me to process.  I still feel so guilty for not just shooting her a message when I thought of her just days before she left this life.  I know I most likely wouldn’t have changed anything, but I still wonder what if.

How can I overcome it?

I’ve already acknowledged that death is something that will happen whether or not I want it to, and at any moment.  I also worry about if they’re happy or not after this life.  There is just so much unknown when it comes to death.  So my anxiety about it is pretty high.

Acceptance isn’t quite on my radar yet, but I guess the closest I can get to overcoming this fear is making sure I spend time with my loved ones.  Quality time, free of electronics if possible.

I also need to take more pictures to help capture the memories we’re making.  I think I’m going to invest in a Polaroid camera so I can keep the electronics to more of a minimum.  Plus, the pictures have this rawness to them that I just love.

On the topic of taking more pictures, I also really need to get past my fear of looking hideous so that I can get in these photos with my loved ones.  It makes me sad that I’ve actually avoided, deleted, or untagged myself from pictures with my Grandad, David, and Lisa.  All because I wasn’t 100% happy with how I looked.

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So I guess in a nutshell, I don’t know how to overcome the unknown.  But what I can do is embrace what I know I have.  I can embrace now.

Prompt #1

What was my first heart break?  Have I let it follow me?

From the time I was six to the time I was about nine, I had one friend that I would play with almost everyday.  We would bicker every now and again, but in this particular moment I thought we were doing great.

After a fun day of playing at her house I was putting my shoes on to go home, and in the next room over I heard that “friend” start bashing on me to her parents and brother.

“thank goodness that’s over!  Kristen is so annoying and always has to have her way.”  

More than 15 years later, I still remember what words were said and how they were said.

It was clear she talked like that behind my back often, as she jumped so fast into shit-talking mode that she forgot to wait for me to actually leave this time.  It really stung to discover that my best friend hated me so much, and my nine-year-old heart totally sank in that moment.

Tears filled my eyes as I tried to get my shoes tied faster so I could get the hell out of there.  Her brother poked his head around the corner to see that I hadn’t left and signaled for her to stop talking.

I never got an apology.  Just fake politeness from her and her family to comfort me as I hurried out of that uncomfortable situation.

I cried that whole walk home.  And then cried some more after getting home.

Want to know what’s even more messed up? I still considered her my friend, even after that.  I put a lot into keeping our friendship going, but of course she stopped as soon as we hit junior high, and it wasn’t until I was about nineteen years old that I realized what a horrible friend she always was, and that I had spent more than a decade investing in this dead friendship.

To answer the second half of this prompt, yes.  Yes, I have allowed this to follow me.  I still don’t know if true gal-pals really exist.  I still have this feeling that people are going to talk shit about me the moment I leave the room.  And sadly, those theories have seemingly been proven right with each friend I’ve had since.

They all ditch me sooner or later.

Unless I’m useful for something.  Whether  it be for free advice in my field of work, or a job opportunity, or a free treatment.  Or if I’m somehow connected to somebody they want to get closer to.  Oh boy, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been blatantly used for that!

I’m so sick of these fake friends.

I’m tired of these jealous, competitive girls who put me down to feel better.

And it truly SUCKS that it has taken me this long to just accept this friendless path I’m apparently meant to be on.  Sure, it’s a lonely one. But it’s even lonelier keeping these friendships alive for so long, only to one day realize how one-sided it has all been.

Besides, I’ve got my family.  They matter way more than friends do anyway.