Medicines Ruining My Sleep.

It has been a couple of months, so I thought I’d check in after that last post. It wasn’t a super happy note to leave off on, and this one might not be either. But hey, just wanted to show that I’m still alive.

Still working on being happy. I was doing pretty well until I got sick a couple weeks ago, which stopped me from working out and de-stressing. Now I feel sluggish and frumpy.
I had this flu from hell, which developed into some nasty bronchitis, and then laryngitis that lasted almost an entire week. 5 days of not having a voice is so damn frustrating!

Luckily I am getting a little better with these new medicines, but they really make it hard to sleep so here I am.

Here I am.
Still.

I’ve been fighting these negative thoughts, but I’m struggling. I keep wondering who would even care if I were gone.
Not that I was ever Miss Popular, but now I don’t feel like I have friends that really want me to be in their lives.
People who I thought liked me seem to not anymore, and I guess, why should they?
I don’t expect to be the center of anyone’s universe, but when I reach out, it does hurt to be blatantly ignored.  So I feel pretty done reaching out.

What I really wish I could do is get away from Utah for a while.  It's kind of the worst here with the altitude, poor air quality, and awful winters.
People aren’t terribly nice around here either, and it makes me feel like I’m losing my mind a lot of times.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still sweet people that I genuinely feel loved by. But very few, and they're very busy people.

So if I could even get away, where would I want to go?
I don’t know.
I don’t really feel like I really belong anywhere, come to think of it.
I just feel invisible.

P.S. Taylor is still treating me wonderfully. He is so much better than I deserve and definitely doesn’t agree with these negative thoughts.  That being said, it makes him really sad when I bring up these things, and I don’t want to make him sad or feel like he isn’t doing enough.  Because he’s that kind of person. So selfless and always taking on guilt he shouldn’t.  So that’s why I’m throwing out these garbage thoughts on my garbage blog that nobody even reads. Somehow I feel like I’m getting it off my chest, even if nobody is really listening.

My Angels of February 19th

I went to bed five hours ago, but I haven't had one ounce of sleep since then.  I don't know why, my mind just won't relax and my eyes won't stay shut.
So I decided I'll stay awake and plow through the day so I can hopefully be exhausted enough to sleep by tonight.

Yesterday was February 19th, which is kind of a meaningful date in my books.  It is a day that reminds me of three angels I have in my life.

1. Melissa ♥ 

This picture is from TEN years ago!? We're getting old, haha.

February 19th is my best friend's birthday.  This awesome gal has been in my life since I was 11, and since then we have had many adventures together.  Being around her is healing, and she has been there for me through some big events in my life.  I don't know if this is starting to sound slightly romantic or what, so I should probably just wrap this up now.
Anyway, I love Melissa and I feel grateful to have such a wonderful friend.  She is a great example to me, and I am so happy that she was born!

2. Grandad ♥ 

I found this picture on my Auntie's Facebook.  I think it's perfect ♥ 

It was February 19th when my Grandad passed away.  That was the first time I had one of my loved ones die.
It took me a long time to be able to talk about him without immediately bawling. And I really haven't looked at his pictures too much since he passed away, maybe for that reason.  Because I know I'll start crying if I think about how much I miss him.
But why have I been so afraid to cry about it?  It's okay to miss him.
On this restless night I realized how long it has actually been since I've really let myself just cry because I miss my Grandad.  It has probably been five years, so that's what I'm doing now.
He was a steadfast man, always full of wisdom and love.  I hope to become as gospel-centered as he was.
Until I get to see him again, I can feel comforted knowing that he is one of the many angels that watch over me.

3. Lawless ♥ 

Last year on February 19th, my dog came into my life.  I knew he was one of the cutest little puppies I ever did see and that I wanted him in my life, but little did I know that he would be helping me through one of the roughest times I was yet to experience.
To make a long story short, my then-husband left me at the end of February, on a night that he knew my family was out of town, and I was left with my broken heart and my tiny "healer" puppy.
Having your spouse decide to stop loving you is a pretty painful thing to process.  There were times that I felt like it wouldn't matter to anyone if I just disappeared, but I'd remember that this tiny little puppy needed somebody to take care of him.  I felt a little needed, which was enough to keep me around for a little longer until I could get out of that dark place.
And he took care of me too.  Lawless would sleep next to me in my bed as I lay awake, snuggling up to me when I felt like nobody would possibly want to be near my miserable self.  He'd whimper with me as I broke down and cried everyday, and come sit in my lap for more snuggles.  He kept me company when I felt so alone, and loved me even though I didn't feel like I deserved anybody's love anymore.

Sometimes I get frustrated when he barks his head off or when he immediately shreds up every nice thing that I get for him, but I guess I was asking for it when I named him Lawless.  He is actually such a sweet dog that helped me get through something I didn't know I could get through, and for that I will always love him.


I am happy knowing that I have been blessed with so many angels in my life, both on this side of the veil and the other.


This post also made me wish that I had more pictures with my loved ones.  I need to be better about capturing those moments!

Seven Years Have Passed...

It has been seven years since I last made a blog post?!

There is a lot to update on here. Let's start with my To-Do List that I made in 2011 to see how much things have changed there.
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1) Go to Lagoon - I went one more time since that time I went with Cole.  In April of 2012 I met this cool guy named Taylor at a multi-school dance, and ended up taking him on a date to Lagoon that summer.  Almost seven years later, and I am now married to Taylor. 💗

2) Hike the Y and be on it while it lights up - I had this amazing friend named David who I had known since I was a wee little tot. When I was 17, me and David started hanging out a lot...  Oh cool, that rhymed.  But this actually isn't going to be a poem.
Anyway, I remember seeing the Y lit up one of the times that he was at my house.  I mentioned that I had this old goal to hike it when it was lit up, and not even 20 seconds later, David had already taken me by the hand and out the door to start hiking it.  The view was beautiful up there, and I am so happy David was with me for that adventure.

3) Go karts - I would race with my siblings and Dad at Trafalga all the time until it closed down. Now I just race my Mazda to work when I'm running late.

4) Go Laser-Tagging -  Laser Tag is one of my favorite ways to get cardio in.  Sadly, my favorite place to go laser-tagging closed last year, so I haven't gone for a while.  If you know of any good places, please let me know!

5) Eat at a Sushi-Go-Round - Are Sushi-Go-Rounds actually a thing?  I'm pretty sure I was inspired by this Miniclip game.
If it is actually a thing, I still haven't done it, so maybe I shouldn't knock it just yet.  But I'm just thinking about how gross that could actually be. How can you be sure your food hasn't been riding on the merry-go-round all day?  What if some sicko sneezed or spat in the sushi before it gets to you?  I guess I feel the same way about buffets, but still eat the food there.

6) Play Cup-Beat at Classic Skating - What? Haha! This was such a weird, specific thing to want to do. And I never did get around to doing it.
Back then I really liked playing Cup-Beat, but that was before Pitch Perfect came out.  Now I can't do it without that darn Cups song getting stuck in my head.
I also really liked going to Classic Skating.  I still love going there with my little sister, and she really likes it too.
I don't care to play Cup-Beat at Classic Skating anymore, but I hope to have more sister dates there.

7) Marshmallow War - The most epic marshmallow war I ever had was with my friends Olivia, Emma, Marny, and Aimee.  Olivia and Emma had these jumbo strawberry marshmallows saved for the occasion, which we soaked in a kiddie pool before tossing them at each other like grenades.  It was extremely messy, but such a blast!  I sure miss hanging out with all those girls that I grew up with.

8) Scary movie night - I don't know what happened to me.  I used to love scary movies, but now I'm just a little weeny when it comes to scary things.
I really should host more movie nights though, so maybe we can just stick to comedies.

9) Go with a big group of friends to 7 Peaks - I know I did do this.  I didn't go to Seven Peaks nearly enough though.  That place was actually so fun and I had a season pass every year.  Last year they closed the Seven Peaks that I used to go to, but I think they still have one about 40 minutes away from me so I'll probably end up going there sometime soon.

10) Lots of night games - Oh, night games! I think we need to bring them back.  Although, I'm not as confident in my athletic skills as I was seven years ago.  Guess I'd better start training for the revival of night games.
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Man, being a kid was so fun.  I remember getting frustrated sometimes, often wishing I could just be grown up already and move out.  But I look back now and see what a fun time I had, and I'm glad I didn't have to grow up so fast.

I love my life right now, but I also think I could take a few lessons from my old self to help me enjoy the present even more.  I've realized that I used to get out of the house a lot back then, so this year I want to try to do that more. 
I plan to spend a little less time exploring Netflix and more time exploring this place that I live in.  Rather than just observing other people's lives on social media, I am going to work on building relationships with those people in person.