Prompt #8

 What is love in your own definition?

Love is the opposite of fear.  I think it’s related to being brave, in the sense that you are opening yourself up even though it could end up hurting you.

To me, love isn’t something you just fall in and out of.  Rather, it’s a choice that you continuously make.  The choice to set aside judgment and instead show kindness so that you can allow somebody to feel accepted and appreciated.

—

I feel lucky because I have a loving family and I get to love so many people.  And I really do love my life!  But me?  I wish it weren’t so hard to just love me.

When I drink or use my meds in a more recreational way, I see a glimpse of the fun, creative girl that I used to be.  It’s easier to like myself when she comes out, and it seems other people like me better that way too.  Or maybe I just couldn’t give a crap about what other people think of me in that state of mind, even if I wanted to?  I don’t know.  I just know that I like being able to forget my insecurities, but the way I’ve been achieving it has been wreaking havoc on my health.

But I don’t know that I want to stop.

I don’t like, let alone love, who I am these days.  I miss the girl I was before I was hurt by fake friends and fake love.  The one who didn’t worry that she’d spot her ex’s family or one of their cronies in the safety of her hometown.  The one who would sing her heart out on her porch as she’d tinker around on a guitar.  A girl who didn’t feel held back in her self-made prison of emotional walls.  That girl wasn’t so scared of being hurt like I am.  She was so much more brave.

I suppose it’s a false sense of bravery, but numbing is the only way that I know how to find that right now.  It’s sad, isn’t it?  Sad that I have to use substances to make my brain shut off in order to quit judging myself.

I truly didn’t expect much from this prompt when I saw it, but it did get me thinking.  Is it trauma that has stopped me from singing, dancing, and even talking without tripping over my words?  Is there another way I can shut down this constant negative self-talk that makes me want to hide, rather than shut down my brain?

I want to stop judging myself and show myself some kindness, but I haven’t found a healthy way to do that yet.