Those Who Matter Won’t Mind

My golly, doesn’t it feel so nice to let go of worrying how other people see you?

I wouldn’t know!  I’m so far from that point.

But I do know that I want to work on it.  Living my life crammed up in my tiny comfort zone and being a people-pleaser isn’t making me happy.  I don’t want to leave this world without any evidence that I ever existed, so it’s time to start leaving a mark.

It’s definitely easier said than done.  I’m not sure how one stops overthinking what other people might be thinking, but I’ll be brainstorming that in back of my mind for now.

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In case I need the reminders…

* If you recognize somebody when you’re out and about, wave hello.  Go ask them what they’ve been up to.  Other then a couple of minutes, what do you really have to lose?

* Not everything in life has to be taken so seriously, including you.

* Relish embarrassing moments.

* Don’t be afraid to step on some toes to stick up for somebody.  Do you really give a flying crap if a gossipy person won’t like you anymore?

* The moment you think that you’re possibly being an asshole, acknowledge it and apologize.

* Be too busy enjoying your wonderful life to pay mind to the people who will never like you.  Seeing you happy would probably just piss them off more, and we love to see it!

Jumping Back On the Wagon

I’m an all or nothing kind of person, especially when it comes to how I eat and exercise.  It’s so unhealthy!  I know it is, yet I still let that mindset either lead me to burn myself out or tell me what a failure I am until I give up on my goals all too often.

Today I got to see some of Taylor’s extended family, and it was a good time.  So good that I let myself get a little careless with what I ate.  And that careless attitude kind of followed me home after that.  It’s been bumming me out a bit.

Normally I would let a moment like this be an excuse to binge on any other “naughty” foods in sight, and I started doing just that until I caught myself making it an excuse to not exercise tonight.

Not today, Satan!

I have been working way too hard to let myself give up over some junk food and dessert- which I have to shamelessly show off on here because I think it turned out cute:

(It was gluten-free too, so I guess that’s a small win?  Haha)

Did I overeat today?  Yup.  And I don’t have celebrate it.  Nor should I be so devastated over it.

I just gotta acknowledge this all-or-nothing mindset right now and tell its  negative voice that I WILL be running tonight anyway, because I deserve to feel better about myself.

I can’t expect to be perfect 100% of the time, but I had better be putting in 100% when I see the chance.  Even if I’m not quite to the level I want to be at, putting in what I’ve got each day is what will actually get me closer to it.  It’s practice.

I also have to remember that I only picked up running less than 2 weeks ago, after years of being fairly sedentary and binge eating, so why should I expect it to be easy to exercise AND eat healthy at this point?  Loving healthy food is going to be a learning process for me, so I’d better be patient as I’m teaching myself or else I’m going to want to give up.  I’ll get there eventually, but for now I’m focusing on exercising each day.  That’s it.

And honestly, I should really be focusing on my wins here.  I haven’t missed any days of working out yet, and I’m proud of myself for that!  I may have overeaten today, but I avoided gluten so my energy levels are still doing okay.  There’s another win.

So what am I actually rambling about this time?  I guess the moral of the story here is that focusing on resilience is so much more effective than focusing on restriction.  The all-or-nothing mentality is so restricting and I need to kick it right in the butt!

Freedom Isn’t Free

Today I want to say that I’m grateful to live in a safer country.  My parents are immigrants, and they came here with almost nothing in hopes of building a better life for their kids.  When I see where their home country is at now...  oh boy.  I’m glad I didn’t have to grow up in a dangerous place like that.  It’s such a shame because South Africa is such a beautiful place, but it has been ruined by corruption.  And it scares me to think that the U.S. could easily turn into that.  It already seems to be on its way there.

The biggest threat to a country is its people, which the corrupt elites know full well.  If they can just divide the people, which the media has done terrifically, it will be easier to make us their peasants and slaves.  Wasn’t the Revolutionary War all about preventing us from living in that kind of tyrannical system?

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I don’t expect people to fly an American Flag on their cars year-round, but let’s have more respect.  This hatred for our own country and complete ingratitude toward those who sacrifice THEIR lives to protect OUR rights is downright disgusting.  It needs to stop.

If you really hate the military/police of this country so much, feel free (courtesy of those protecting your freedom) to get the hell out!

Your freedom is NOT free.  Nothing is.

So much time and energy is put in by people that don’t even know us, just to keep us all safe as we mindlessly watch Netflix and scroll through social media.

People have died protecting your rights.

People have been given mentally and physically debilitating injuries protecting your rights.

Somebody else’s freedom ends where yours begins.  Let’s not forget that.

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And I know this post is pretty scrambled, so welcome to my mind!

Grow Old With Me

Dear Taylor,

How are you real?!

And how did I ever live without you in my life?

Actually, I already know the answer to that, so let me tell you.

Before I ever met you at that dance, I was in a dark place.  I based my self-worth on whether or not guys liked me. And that way of thinking lead me to a pretty low point in my life. 

I honestly didn’t think I would make it to an age that I could be married.  Sure, the idea that there was a man out there for me was cool.  I even prayed for him almost everyday when I was 14.  But I still couldn’t have ever dreamed up the amazing person that you are, or even imagined that I was be lucky enough to live my life with you right now.

I remember when I first met you that I felt something new spark in me.

I immediately knew that you were special and that I didn’t want to screw things up with you by moving too fast.

Other than my siblings, you were the only missionary that I missed.  And it was so crazy to me because we had only hung out a handful of times at that point.

But it totally makes sense now.

You are my soulmate.

And here we are nearly 10 years later, and I wouldn’t want it any other way!

You are a strong, sexy hard worker.  You are so kind and generous, talented, intelligent and hilarious.

You are an absolute dream!  And so is being married to you.

I love you so much that it makes me cry when I think about it.  And you make me feel so loved, which also makes me cry.  How could somebody so amazing love me and want to be married to me?

Thank you for all that you do and choosing to be my person. ♥

Lisa Belle

Did you put this on my Pinterest today?  Because it sure reminds me of you!

On your birthday I have been missing you and thinking of you extra.  Even though I can’t see you right now, I have no doubt you’ve been around today. It is a special day, after all!

I love thinking of our memories together.

All of the sleepovers, silly interests that we both just understood and shared.  I remember a couple of silly fights, and how quick you were to forgive.

And I remember missing you when you moved back to Morgan.  This feels a little bit like that, except so much worse.

Even though I hate that I can’t see you and talk to you for the rest of my life, my missing you is evidence that a great friendship existed.

It makes me smile knowing that I had a true friend who would help me carry out hilarious plans to get our (yes, OUR) crush’s attention together.

You were such a badass daredevil, but also a sensitive healer at the same time.  A combination I would imagine being hard to balance.

I regret not being a better friend when I had the chance.  That was something that I felt even before you passed, especially after re-reading old messages between you and me. Those messages showed me a girl who had just moved after barely settling into her last place, who probably felt lonely and needed a friend to talk to.  And then I saw that friend totally missing those signs.  Totally blowing you off.

I’m sorry for not being there then.

I’m sorry for not following through with our plans the last time we made them.

I’m sad that I took you for granted and didn’t get to say all of this to you directly.  And honestly, I am not even sure anymore of what comes after this life, but I hope I will get to see you and hug you again.

Happy 25th Birthday, Lisa!

Slightly Morbid Mood

You know how sometimes anxiety creeps up on you and convinces you that you are dying? Well that has definitely been the case for me these past couple of days.

The logical side of me knows I’m probably not going anywhere soon, but this morbid feeling does get me thinking about what will happen when I die.  I mean, our inevitable deaths really could happen in an instant.

So here is what I want.

I won’t be needing my organs anymore, so if they haven’t gone to crap I would actually love for them to be put to use. BUT!  I would want my organs to be given to a family member first, should they need it.  If they don’t need my organs, then please, by all means, give what is still good to somebody that could use it.

After that I want my body to be cremated and for my ashes to be planted in a beautiful tree.  Maybe even a few trees, if more than one person cares to plant a little piece of me.

No fruit trees though, because the thought of people eating fruit from my tree frankly grosses me out.  With that being said, I do think a Weeping Cherry Blossom tree (that doesn’t make fruit for anyone but birds) or a Red Maple tree might be nice.

Carving into my tree(s) is totally fine by me as long as it will make my loved ones happy when they see it.

That is my wish.

Not only would it be way cheaper than a traditional funeral, but it’s definitely more eco-friendly.  And in a way it would make me live on, which I think is kind of neat.