“Debid”

I wonder what you’d be doing now if you were still here.

The oldest memory I have of you is this adorable 4-year-old boy, with bright blue eyes and a blonde bowl cut, gently brushing my hair with a hot pink brush made for Barbies.  Even then you had that talent for making other people feel special.  I wish I were as good at that as you were.

With you gone, the world has felt so much darker. I have felt darker since.

I really thought the tough-love approach was the way to help somebody snap out of self-destructive behavior.

But I was wrong.  I see that now.

I still regret sending you that text.

I’m glad it wasn’t the last thing I said to you, but I still feel guilt for it.

I mean, I AM guilty.  It doesn’t matter how sorry I am now. I still sent it and didn’t apologize properly.

Do you remember the text I’m talking about?

It was the one where I told you that I wouldn’t be hanging around you until you quit drugs.

Because that’s how it worked in my mind…

Shunning you into quitting.

I may as well have shoved you toward a needle when I said that.

Clearly I didn’t understand addiction.  Or have enough compassion to realize you were turning to drugs for a reason.

I am so sorry for being the self-righteous asshole that I was, and sorry that it took me so long to realize I was in the wrong.

And while I’m apologizing, I’m sorry for not telling you that I love you back during our last call.

I know you understood that Morgan was in the room and would have felt threatened if I said it, but my hindsight says screw that guy!  I wish I could go back in time and say it to you anyway.

Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if I had chosen you back then.

Would we have grown old together?

Probably not.  Taylor is definitely my path.

But I would’ve liked to at least see you grow old on your own path.  And I often wonder if you would have, if I hadn’t been such a jerk to you.

I mean, of course I don’t think I’m so important that I alone changed the course of your life.  But I do see that I treated you wrong and how it probably made you feel lonelier.  And I’ve seen now how loneliness drives destructive behavior.

I am sorry and I love you.  And I really wish you were here so I could say all of this to your face.

Purple Hair Do Care

Oh my… What have I done?

Today I went in to change up my plain balayage and I walked out with bright purple waves.

I guess I don’t hate it.

But I’m sure hoping I’ll start to feel more confident with it soon.

On the bright side, it is Taylor’s favorite color.

I just feel like I’ll constantly have to wear a full face of glam makeup to pull this off, or else I’ll look like an old lady with a hair color that doesn’t suit her age.  I mean, that’s probably not too far from the truth haha.

Anyway, I know this post was pretty lame and I probably sound high-maintenance.  Maybe I am.  But at the end of the day I do realize that it’s just hair.  And it actually looks pretty, as long as I have my makeup done properly.  So the silver lining is that it’ll force me to stop being a frump.