What am I most afraid of?
I am most afraid of a family member dying. My family is all I really care about anymore.
Why am I afraid of that?
Death is something that I will have no control over and losing anyone would leave a hole in my life.
Losing Grandad was hard, even when I had a heads up that he was going to die of cancer. After he died it took me years to not cry when I just mentioned him.
I still have a hard time really letting myself think of David. His death was unexpected and happened way too soon. This world doesn’t feel as bright without him in it.
And then Lisa passing away has been hard for me to process. I still feel so guilty for not just shooting her a message when I thought of her just days before she left this life. I know I most likely wouldn’t have changed anything, but I still wonder what if.
How can I overcome it?
I’ve already acknowledged that death is something that will happen whether or not I want it to, and at any moment. I also worry about if they’re happy or not after this life. There is just so much unknown when it comes to death. So my anxiety about it is pretty high.
Acceptance isn’t quite on my radar yet, but I guess the closest I can get to overcoming this fear is making sure I spend time with my loved ones. Quality time, free of electronics if possible.
I also need to take more pictures to help capture the memories we’re making. I think I’m going to invest in a Polaroid camera so I can keep the electronics to more of a minimum. Plus, the pictures have this rawness to them that I just love.
On the topic of taking more pictures, I also really need to get past my fear of looking hideous so that I can get in these photos with my loved ones. It makes me sad that I’ve actually avoided, deleted, or untagged myself from pictures with my Grandad, David, and Lisa. All because I wasn’t 100% happy with how I looked.
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So I guess in a nutshell, I don’t know how to overcome the unknown. But what I can do is embrace what I know I have. I can embrace now.
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