“Debid”

I wonder what you’d be doing now if you were still here.

The oldest memory I have of you is this adorable 4-year-old boy, with bright blue eyes and a blonde bowl cut, gently brushing my hair with a hot pink brush made for Barbies.  Even then you had that talent for making other people feel special.  I wish I were as good at that as you were.

With you gone, the world has felt so much darker. I have felt darker since.

I really thought the tough-love approach was the way to help somebody snap out of self-destructive behavior.

But I was wrong.  I see that now.

I still regret sending you that text.

I’m glad it wasn’t the last thing I said to you, but I still feel guilt for it.

I mean, I AM guilty.  It doesn’t matter how sorry I am now. I still sent it and didn’t apologize properly.

Do you remember the text I’m talking about?

It was the one where I told you that I wouldn’t be hanging around you until you quit drugs.

Because that’s how it worked in my mind…

Shunning you into quitting.

I may as well have shoved you toward a needle when I said that.

Clearly I didn’t understand addiction.  Or have enough compassion to realize you were turning to drugs for a reason.

I am so sorry for being the self-righteous asshole that I was, and sorry that it took me so long to realize I was in the wrong.

And while I’m apologizing, I’m sorry for not telling you that I love you back during our last call.

I know you understood that Morgan was in the room and would have felt threatened if I said it, but my hindsight says screw that guy!  I wish I could go back in time and say it to you anyway.

Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if I had chosen you back then.

Would we have grown old together?

Probably not.  Taylor is definitely my path.

But I would’ve liked to at least see you grow old on your own path.  And I often wonder if you would have, if I hadn’t been such a jerk to you.

I mean, of course I don’t think I’m so important that I alone changed the course of your life.  But I do see that I treated you wrong and how it probably made you feel lonelier.  And I’ve seen now how loneliness drives destructive behavior.

I am sorry and I love you.  And I really wish you were here so I could say all of this to your face.

Purple Hair Do Care

Oh my… What have I done?

Today I went in to change up my plain balayage and I walked out with bright purple waves.

I guess I don’t hate it.

But I’m sure hoping I’ll start to feel more confident with it soon.

On the bright side, it is Taylor’s favorite color.

I just feel like I’ll constantly have to wear a full face of glam makeup to pull this off, or else I’ll look like an old lady with a hair color that doesn’t suit her age.  I mean, that’s probably not too far from the truth haha.

Anyway, I know this post was pretty lame and I probably sound high-maintenance.  Maybe I am.  But at the end of the day I do realize that it’s just hair.  And it actually looks pretty, as long as I have my makeup done properly.  So the silver lining is that it’ll force me to stop being a frump.

Lucky Day

Ignore the dust, but do you see my new dining chairs?  And how the clock matches perfectly?!

I don’t know when I turned into the kind of person that would get so excited over clocks and matching chairs.  But hey, they are freaking cute and I totally manifested them.

I was actually planning a road trip all the way to Wisconsin, just to buy chairs exactly like these.  That’s how crazy I was about them.

And then bam!  These appeared in the listings, not even 20 miles away from me. Not only that, but the sellers just dropped their original price by $25 as soon as I met up with them in person, which was so incredibly nice of them!

So I didn’t have to drive across the country, pay a ridiculous amount on shipping, or be haunted by furniture I would never have.  Today was a win!  Still wouldn’t mind taking a road trip though.  But I suppose we would want more of an itinerary than picking up a few chairs.

Prompt #8

 What is love in your own definition?

Love is the opposite of fear.  I think it’s related to being brave, in the sense that you are opening yourself up even though it could end up hurting you.

To me, love isn’t something you just fall in and out of.  Rather, it’s a choice that you continuously make.  The choice to set aside judgment and instead show kindness so that you can allow somebody to feel accepted and appreciated.

—

I feel lucky because I have a loving family and I get to love so many people.  And I really do love my life!  But me?  I wish it weren’t so hard to just love me.

When I drink or use my meds in a more recreational way, I see a glimpse of the fun, creative girl that I used to be.  It’s easier to like myself when she comes out, and it seems other people like me better that way too.  Or maybe I just couldn’t give a crap about what other people think of me in that state of mind, even if I wanted to?  I don’t know.  I just know that I like being able to forget my insecurities, but the way I’ve been achieving it has been wreaking havoc on my health.

But I don’t know that I want to stop.

I don’t like, let alone love, who I am these days.  I miss the girl I was before I was hurt by fake friends and fake love.  The one who didn’t worry that she’d spot her ex’s family or one of their cronies in the safety of her hometown.  The one who would sing her heart out on her porch as she’d tinker around on a guitar.  A girl who didn’t feel held back in her self-made prison of emotional walls.  That girl wasn’t so scared of being hurt like I am.  She was so much more brave.

I suppose it’s a false sense of bravery, but numbing is the only way that I know how to find that right now.  It’s sad, isn’t it?  Sad that I have to use substances to make my brain shut off in order to quit judging myself.

I truly didn’t expect much from this prompt when I saw it, but it did get me thinking.  Is it trauma that has stopped me from singing, dancing, and even talking without tripping over my words?  Is there another way I can shut down this constant negative self-talk that makes me want to hide, rather than shut down my brain?

I want to stop judging myself and show myself some kindness, but I haven’t found a healthy way to do that yet.

Prompt #7

 What do I struggle with most and how can I fix it?

I feel like I just made a lengthy post about this, but I struggle to find genuine friends.  The people I befriend pretty much always use me and/or talk shit about me behind my back.  And I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t get to me.  It really does make me doubt myself.  It makes me wonder if I actually deserve to be treated that way.  Not that I’m such a perfect person who could do no wrong, but I’m going to go ahead and say that I deserve better than that.

So in a nutshell my solution to this struggle is to just not make friends anymore.  Once in a while I’ll find kindred spirits through my work, but it’s important to be professional and allow the client reach out as a friend if that’s what they’re comfortable with.  And maybe if I reach out to somebody that I haven’t seen in a while they could potentially become a friend.  But for now it’s easier to just keep my wall up.

And really, I’m not alone.  I’ve got my family on my side always and I’m totally happy when I’m with them.  So do I really need friends?  Nope.  But I do need to stop caring what people think about me.

Prompt #6

 When I think about my future, what am I most afraid of?

I’m probably most afraid of never doing anything meaningful.

Some days I think I’m good at my job.  Other days I can’t figure out what I’m doing it all for.  Most days, my motivation for keeping my business running is to make sure my parents get all of their money back.  They’ve invested so much into me, but I feel like I’ve been a failure.

Not only do I feel like I’m a burden, but I also can’t think of any legacy I’d be leaving behind if I died now.  The thought of being forgotten is scary to me, but I honestly don’t know what I have to offer this world.  I’m not sure what my talents are, or if I really have any, for that matter.

If I could figure out what my true passions are and what I think my calling in life is, I would love to use that to change the world around me.  But that’s all stuff that I’m yet to find, and I’m just hoping my search for it won’t lead to a dead end of nothing.

Lately I’ve felt like I’m good for nothing and it’s not a good feeling.  So I want to find myself. And maybe that’s why I’m answering these prompts.  

I have no idea where to really start looking, but I’m going to try to start by finding answers to these questions:  (1) What could this world use more of?  (2) How could I contribute?

Hopefully these questions can help me figure out what the meaning of my life is.

Prompt #5

 How do I handle anger and frustration?  Is this a healthy way to cope?

The way I respond depends on what I’m upset over.

Oddly enough, I feel like I’m alright at managing anger when it comes to big-ish things.  I just let myself go cry over it, then I talk to somebody.  Usually Taylor, Sarah, or my parents.

Thing is, it’s usually small things that get to me.  Things that are so small, it doesn’t feel worth making a fuss about it in the moment.  So I’ll just sigh and fix the thing that’s bothering me so I can move on.  But then these little annoying moments keep bottling up until it has happened one too many times, and then I finally blow up over the dumbest, smallest thing.

I know.

I know it’s not healthy to bottle things up.

But I’d rather not be mentioning it every single time I’m bugged by something because it’s a lot.  I would hate for somebody to feel nitpicked by me.

So I guess the real trick here is to learn how to not be bothered by so many things.  Is that possible?  Because I’d really like to stop being this way.  I swear I’m going to either give myself or Taylor an ulcer if I don’t fix this.

Prompt #4

 What are negative traits that I don’t like about myself? Why do I think I have these traits?

-The way I sabotage myself when I start to see success.  Maybe I’m scared of success because I’m afraid of losing it, so I subconsciously decide that I may as well lose out, but on my own terms.

-It seems like it takes me longer to let things go than it does for other people. I guess I’m just too sentimental.  And when it comes to forgiveness, I hang onto things even more.  I’m not sure why I am this way.  Probably because that’s how my mom is and I’m just a lot like her.

-It takes me way too long to apologize.  If I’m being honest with myself, I probably do that thinking the other person should first see my side of things.  I’ll totally apologize once they also admit that I have a point.  But let’s be real.  They’re not going to see my side, they’re just going to assume I’m too prideful to recognize that I’m in the wrong.  And that’s only half true.  I’ll know I’m in the wrong, but unfortunately I am prideful.

Prompt #3

What are things that easily trigger me and why do they trigger me?

•Um, the word ‘trigger’?  Because I feel like it’s overused by stupid pansy-asses who feel that their personal triggers are everybody’s responsibility, except their own.   First of all, ew.  Second of all, no.  Figure out your own friggin’ triggers and make a plan to overcome them.  Stop throwing hissy fits because people aren’t catering to you and only you.

•Country and Rap.  Or as I like to abbreviate them: CRap.  They remind me of my ex husband.

•Seeing a Dickerson.  🤢  Even speaking that name makes me feel sick, so I guess let’s call them Voldemorts from now on.

•Having an in-law act even the littlest bit unfriendly toward me immediately makes me think they hate me.  And the thought that an in-law hates me puts me back in that panic mode I constantly lived in while I was married into that hateful Voldemort family from hell.  Shelby seems to dislike me no matter how hard I’ve tried, so that has been kind of hard for me to deal with.  But other then that, my in-laws seem to have accepted me into their family.

•Eating Goldfish Crackers makes me feel incredibly sad and anxious.  I suspect because 1) my digestive system doesn’t handle them well and 2) that was my go-to snack when I had my miscarriage last year.  Other foods bring back sad memories too.  Cup Ramen, Jolly Rancher Bites, and anything from Taco Bell give me panic attacks whenever I eat them.

•This one is so stupid, but when I notice  that somebody has seen my message and not replied.  This includes people not opening my messages, because it’s easy to see when they’ve recently reacted to something else or made a post.  In fact, that feels worse in my opinion because it just shows that they couldn’t even be bothered to read what I’ve put effort into writing.  Being left on read gives me anxiety that I said something wrong, so then I go hurting my own feelings some more by re-reading what I wrote and being double-reminded that they didn’t respond to me.  It just makes me feel like nobody likes me.  I mean, they probably don’t so guess that just sucks.

Anyway, that was enough reflection for one day and I may as well have titled this WAYS TO HURT ME.  Hopefully there isn’t anyone who would even read my blog who would use any of these against me, haha.

Prompt #2

 What am I most afraid of?

I am most afraid of a family member dying.  My family is all I really care about anymore.

Why am I afraid of that?

Death is something that I will have no control over and losing anyone would leave a hole in my life.

Losing Grandad was hard, even when I had a heads up that he was going to die of cancer.  After he died it took me years to not cry when I just mentioned him.

I still have a hard time really letting myself think of David.  His death was unexpected and happened way too soon.  This world doesn’t feel as bright without him in it.

And then Lisa passing away has been hard for me to process.  I still feel so guilty for not just shooting her a message when I thought of her just days before she left this life.  I know I most likely wouldn’t have changed anything, but I still wonder what if.

How can I overcome it?

I’ve already acknowledged that death is something that will happen whether or not I want it to, and at any moment.  I also worry about if they’re happy or not after this life.  There is just so much unknown when it comes to death.  So my anxiety about it is pretty high.

Acceptance isn’t quite on my radar yet, but I guess the closest I can get to overcoming this fear is making sure I spend time with my loved ones.  Quality time, free of electronics if possible.

I also need to take more pictures to help capture the memories we’re making.  I think I’m going to invest in a Polaroid camera so I can keep the electronics to more of a minimum.  Plus, the pictures have this rawness to them that I just love.

On the topic of taking more pictures, I also really need to get past my fear of looking hideous so that I can get in these photos with my loved ones.  It makes me sad that I’ve actually avoided, deleted, or untagged myself from pictures with my Grandad, David, and Lisa.  All because I wasn’t 100% happy with how I looked.

—

So I guess in a nutshell, I don’t know how to overcome the unknown.  But what I can do is embrace what I know I have.  I can embrace now.

Prompt #1

What was my first heart break?  Have I let it follow me?

From the time I was six to the time I was about nine, I had one friend that I would play with almost everyday.  We would bicker every now and again, but in this particular moment I thought we were doing great.

After a fun day of playing at her house I was putting my shoes on to go home, and in the next room over I heard that “friend” start bashing on me to her parents and brother.

“thank goodness that’s over!  Kristen is so annoying and always has to have her way.”  

More than 15 years later, I still remember what words were said and how they were said.

It was clear she talked like that behind my back often, as she jumped so fast into shit-talking mode that she forgot to wait for me to actually leave this time.  It really stung to discover that my best friend hated me so much, and my nine-year-old heart totally sank in that moment.

Tears filled my eyes as I tried to get my shoes tied faster so I could get the hell out of there.  Her brother poked his head around the corner to see that I hadn’t left and signaled for her to stop talking.

I never got an apology.  Just fake politeness from her and her family to comfort me as I hurried out of that uncomfortable situation.

I cried that whole walk home.  And then cried some more after getting home.

Want to know what’s even more messed up? I still considered her my friend, even after that.  I put a lot into keeping our friendship going, but of course she stopped as soon as we hit junior high, and it wasn’t until I was about nineteen years old that I realized what a horrible friend she always was, and that I had spent more than a decade investing in this dead friendship.

To answer the second half of this prompt, yes.  Yes, I have allowed this to follow me.  I still don’t know if true gal-pals really exist.  I still have this feeling that people are going to talk shit about me the moment I leave the room.  And sadly, those theories have seemingly been proven right with each friend I’ve had since.

They all ditch me sooner or later.

Unless I’m useful for something.  Whether  it be for free advice in my field of work, or a job opportunity, or a free treatment.  Or if I’m somehow connected to somebody they want to get closer to.  Oh boy, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been blatantly used for that!

I’m so sick of these fake friends.

I’m tired of these jealous, competitive girls who put me down to feel better.

And it truly SUCKS that it has taken me this long to just accept this friendless path I’m apparently meant to be on.  Sure, it’s a lonely one. But it’s even lonelier keeping these friendships alive for so long, only to one day realize how one-sided it has all been.

Besides, I’ve got my family.  They matter way more than friends do anyway.

Those Who Matter Won’t Mind

My golly, doesn’t it feel so nice to let go of worrying how other people see you?

I wouldn’t know!  I’m so far from that point.

But I do know that I want to work on it.  Living my life crammed up in my tiny comfort zone and being a people-pleaser isn’t making me happy.  I don’t want to leave this world without any evidence that I ever existed, so it’s time to start leaving a mark.

It’s definitely easier said than done.  I’m not sure how one stops overthinking what other people might be thinking, but I’ll be brainstorming that in back of my mind for now.

—

In case I need the reminders…

* If you recognize somebody when you’re out and about, wave hello.  Go ask them what they’ve been up to.  Other then a couple of minutes, what do you really have to lose?

* Not everything in life has to be taken so seriously, including you.

* Relish embarrassing moments.

* Don’t be afraid to step on some toes to stick up for somebody.  Do you really give a flying crap if a gossipy person won’t like you anymore?

* The moment you think that you’re possibly being an asshole, acknowledge it and apologize.

* Be too busy enjoying your wonderful life to pay mind to the people who will never like you.  Seeing you happy would probably just piss them off more, and we love to see it!

Jumping Back On the Wagon

I’m an all or nothing kind of person, especially when it comes to how I eat and exercise.  It’s so unhealthy!  I know it is, yet I still let that mindset either lead me to burn myself out or tell me what a failure I am until I give up on my goals all too often.

Today I got to see some of Taylor’s extended family, and it was a good time.  So good that I let myself get a little careless with what I ate.  And that careless attitude kind of followed me home after that.  It’s been bumming me out a bit.

Normally I would let a moment like this be an excuse to binge on any other “naughty” foods in sight, and I started doing just that until I caught myself making it an excuse to not exercise tonight.

Not today, Satan!

I have been working way too hard to let myself give up over some junk food and dessert- which I have to shamelessly show off on here because I think it turned out cute:

(It was gluten-free too, so I guess that’s a small win?  Haha)

Did I overeat today?  Yup.  And I don’t have celebrate it.  Nor should I be so devastated over it.

I just gotta acknowledge this all-or-nothing mindset right now and tell its  negative voice that I WILL be running tonight anyway, because I deserve to feel better about myself.

I can’t expect to be perfect 100% of the time, but I had better be putting in 100% when I see the chance.  Even if I’m not quite to the level I want to be at, putting in what I’ve got each day is what will actually get me closer to it.  It’s practice.

I also have to remember that I only picked up running less than 2 weeks ago, after years of being fairly sedentary and binge eating, so why should I expect it to be easy to exercise AND eat healthy at this point?  Loving healthy food is going to be a learning process for me, so I’d better be patient as I’m teaching myself or else I’m going to want to give up.  I’ll get there eventually, but for now I’m focusing on exercising each day.  That’s it.

And honestly, I should really be focusing on my wins here.  I haven’t missed any days of working out yet, and I’m proud of myself for that!  I may have overeaten today, but I avoided gluten so my energy levels are still doing okay.  There’s another win.

So what am I actually rambling about this time?  I guess the moral of the story here is that focusing on resilience is so much more effective than focusing on restriction.  The all-or-nothing mentality is so restricting and I need to kick it right in the butt!

Freedom Isn’t Free

Today I want to say that I’m grateful to live in a safer country.  My parents are immigrants, and they came here with almost nothing in hopes of building a better life for their kids.  When I see where their home country is at now...  oh boy.  I’m glad I didn’t have to grow up in a dangerous place like that.  It’s such a shame because South Africa is such a beautiful place, but it has been ruined by corruption.  And it scares me to think that the U.S. could easily turn into that.  It already seems to be on its way there.

The biggest threat to a country is its people, which the corrupt elites know full well.  If they can just divide the people, which the media has done terrifically, it will be easier to make us their peasants and slaves.  Wasn’t the Revolutionary War all about preventing us from living in that kind of tyrannical system?

—

I don’t expect people to fly an American Flag on their cars year-round, but let’s have more respect.  This hatred for our own country and complete ingratitude toward those who sacrifice THEIR lives to protect OUR rights is downright disgusting.  It needs to stop.

If you really hate the military/police of this country so much, feel free (courtesy of those protecting your freedom) to get the hell out!

Your freedom is NOT free.  Nothing is.

So much time and energy is put in by people that don’t even know us, just to keep us all safe as we mindlessly watch Netflix and scroll through social media.

People have died protecting your rights.

People have been given mentally and physically debilitating injuries protecting your rights.

Somebody else’s freedom ends where yours begins.  Let’s not forget that.

—

And I know this post is pretty scrambled, so welcome to my mind!

Grow Old With Me

Dear Taylor,

How are you real?!

And how did I ever live without you in my life?

Actually, I already know the answer to that, so let me tell you.

Before I ever met you at that dance, I was in a dark place.  I based my self-worth on whether or not guys liked me. And that way of thinking lead me to a pretty low point in my life. 

I honestly didn’t think I would make it to an age that I could be married.  Sure, the idea that there was a man out there for me was cool.  I even prayed for him almost everyday when I was 14.  But I still couldn’t have ever dreamed up the amazing person that you are, or even imagined that I was be lucky enough to live my life with you right now.

I remember when I first met you that I felt something new spark in me.

I immediately knew that you were special and that I didn’t want to screw things up with you by moving too fast.

Other than my siblings, you were the only missionary that I missed.  And it was so crazy to me because we had only hung out a handful of times at that point.

But it totally makes sense now.

You are my soulmate.

And here we are nearly 10 years later, and I wouldn’t want it any other way!

You are a strong, sexy hard worker.  You are so kind and generous, talented, intelligent and hilarious.

You are an absolute dream!  And so is being married to you.

I love you so much that it makes me cry when I think about it.  And you make me feel so loved, which also makes me cry.  How could somebody so amazing love me and want to be married to me?

Thank you for all that you do and choosing to be my person. ♥

Lisa Belle

Did you put this on my Pinterest today?  Because it sure reminds me of you!

On your birthday I have been missing you and thinking of you extra.  Even though I can’t see you right now, I have no doubt you’ve been around today. It is a special day, after all!

I love thinking of our memories together.

All of the sleepovers, silly interests that we both just understood and shared.  I remember a couple of silly fights, and how quick you were to forgive.

And I remember missing you when you moved back to Morgan.  This feels a little bit like that, except so much worse.

Even though I hate that I can’t see you and talk to you for the rest of my life, my missing you is evidence that a great friendship existed.

It makes me smile knowing that I had a true friend who would help me carry out hilarious plans to get our (yes, OUR) crush’s attention together.

You were such a badass daredevil, but also a sensitive healer at the same time.  A combination I would imagine being hard to balance.

I regret not being a better friend when I had the chance.  That was something that I felt even before you passed, especially after re-reading old messages between you and me. Those messages showed me a girl who had just moved after barely settling into her last place, who probably felt lonely and needed a friend to talk to.  And then I saw that friend totally missing those signs.  Totally blowing you off.

I’m sorry for not being there then.

I’m sorry for not following through with our plans the last time we made them.

I’m sad that I took you for granted and didn’t get to say all of this to you directly.  And honestly, I am not even sure anymore of what comes after this life, but I hope I will get to see you and hug you again.

Happy 25th Birthday, Lisa!

Slightly Morbid Mood

You know how sometimes anxiety creeps up on you and convinces you that you are dying? Well that has definitely been the case for me these past couple of days.

The logical side of me knows I’m probably not going anywhere soon, but this morbid feeling does get me thinking about what will happen when I die.  I mean, our inevitable deaths really could happen in an instant.

So here is what I want.

I won’t be needing my organs anymore, so if they haven’t gone to crap I would actually love for them to be put to use. BUT!  I would want my organs to be given to a family member first, should they need it.  If they don’t need my organs, then please, by all means, give what is still good to somebody that could use it.

After that I want my body to be cremated and for my ashes to be planted in a beautiful tree.  Maybe even a few trees, if more than one person cares to plant a little piece of me.

No fruit trees though, because the thought of people eating fruit from my tree frankly grosses me out.  With that being said, I do think a Weeping Cherry Blossom tree (that doesn’t make fruit for anyone but birds) or a Red Maple tree might be nice.

Carving into my tree(s) is totally fine by me as long as it will make my loved ones happy when they see it.

That is my wish.

Not only would it be way cheaper than a traditional funeral, but it’s definitely more eco-friendly.  And in a way it would make me live on, which I think is kind of neat.

God Gave Me

1. Taylor

2. My Parents & Siblings & Nieces & Nephews

3. Lawless, the best Walking Buddy Ever

4. Music

5. My Body

6. My Spa

7. A Home in a Beautiful Place

8. Eyesight

9. Hearing

10. Forgiveness