Bottled Up.

I haven’t posted in a quite a while, but I have written now and again. What I write just doesn’t get published.
Drafts and drafts of things I wish I could say.
But I can’t bring myself to do it.
It’s not like anybody even cares enough to read this stupid blog. But what if somebody did? I wouldn’t want them to worry or have to hear this dark voice in my head.
It’s ugly and I wouldn’t want to put that negativity out.

But then there’s the issue of holding it inside.
It's hard to sort out these thoughts and feelings in an unpleasant place like my mind.
So then I try to get outside of myself and talk to people, but people don't seem to want me around much. Being ignored and cut out over and over again only validates what this dark voice has been telling me all along.

There is no place for me.

Medicines Ruining My Sleep.

It has been a couple of months, so I thought I’d check in after that last post. It wasn’t a super happy note to leave off on, and this one might not be either. But hey, just wanted to show that I’m still alive.

Still working on being happy. I was doing pretty well until I got sick a couple weeks ago, which stopped me from working out and de-stressing. Now I feel sluggish and frumpy.
I had this flu from hell, which developed into some nasty bronchitis, and then laryngitis that lasted almost an entire week. 5 days of not having a voice is so damn frustrating!

Luckily I am getting a little better with these new medicines, but they really make it hard to sleep so here I am.

Here I am.
Still.

I’ve been fighting these negative thoughts, but I’m struggling. I keep wondering who would even care if I were gone.
Not that I was ever Miss Popular, but now I don’t feel like I have friends that really want me to be in their lives.
People who I thought liked me seem to not anymore, and I guess, why should they?
I don’t expect to be the center of anyone’s universe, but when I reach out, it does hurt to be blatantly ignored.  So I feel pretty done reaching out.

What I really wish I could do is get away from Utah for a while.  It's kind of the worst here with the altitude, poor air quality, and awful winters.
People aren’t terribly nice around here either, and it makes me feel like I’m losing my mind a lot of times.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still sweet people that I genuinely feel loved by. But very few, and they're very busy people.

So if I could even get away, where would I want to go?
I don’t know.
I don’t really feel like I really belong anywhere, come to think of it.
I just feel invisible.

P.S. Taylor is still treating me wonderfully. He is so much better than I deserve and definitely doesn’t agree with these negative thoughts.  That being said, it makes him really sad when I bring up these things, and I don’t want to make him sad or feel like he isn’t doing enough.  Because he’s that kind of person. So selfless and always taking on guilt he shouldn’t.  So that’s why I’m throwing out these garbage thoughts on my garbage blog that nobody even reads. Somehow I feel like I’m getting it off my chest, even if nobody is really listening.

My Angels of February 19th

I went to bed five hours ago, but I haven't had one ounce of sleep since then.  I don't know why, my mind just won't relax and my eyes won't stay shut.
So I decided I'll stay awake and plow through the day so I can hopefully be exhausted enough to sleep by tonight.

Yesterday was February 19th, which is kind of a meaningful date in my books.  It is a day that reminds me of three angels I have in my life.

1. Melissa ♥ 

This picture is from TEN years ago!? We're getting old, haha.

February 19th is my best friend's birthday.  This awesome gal has been in my life since I was 11, and since then we have had many adventures together.  Being around her is healing, and she has been there for me through some big events in my life.  I don't know if this is starting to sound slightly romantic or what, so I should probably just wrap this up now.
Anyway, I love Melissa and I feel grateful to have such a wonderful friend.  She is a great example to me, and I am so happy that she was born!

2. Grandad ♥ 

I found this picture on my Auntie's Facebook.  I think it's perfect ♥ 

It was February 19th when my Grandad passed away.  That was the first time I had one of my loved ones die.
It took me a long time to be able to talk about him without immediately bawling. And I really haven't looked at his pictures too much since he passed away, maybe for that reason.  Because I know I'll start crying if I think about how much I miss him.
But why have I been so afraid to cry about it?  It's okay to miss him.
On this restless night I realized how long it has actually been since I've really let myself just cry because I miss my Grandad.  It has probably been five years, so that's what I'm doing now.
He was a steadfast man, always full of wisdom and love.  I hope to become as gospel-centered as he was.
Until I get to see him again, I can feel comforted knowing that he is one of the many angels that watch over me.

3. Lawless ♥ 

Last year on February 19th, my dog came into my life.  I knew he was one of the cutest little puppies I ever did see and that I wanted him in my life, but little did I know that he would be helping me through one of the roughest times I was yet to experience.
To make a long story short, my then-husband left me at the end of February, on a night that he knew my family was out of town, and I was left with my broken heart and my tiny "healer" puppy.
Having your spouse decide to stop loving you is a pretty painful thing to process.  There were times that I felt like it wouldn't matter to anyone if I just disappeared, but I'd remember that this tiny little puppy needed somebody to take care of him.  I felt a little needed, which was enough to keep me around for a little longer until I could get out of that dark place.
And he took care of me too.  Lawless would sleep next to me in my bed as I lay awake, snuggling up to me when I felt like nobody would possibly want to be near my miserable self.  He'd whimper with me as I broke down and cried everyday, and come sit in my lap for more snuggles.  He kept me company when I felt so alone, and loved me even though I didn't feel like I deserved anybody's love anymore.

Sometimes I get frustrated when he barks his head off or when he immediately shreds up every nice thing that I get for him, but I guess I was asking for it when I named him Lawless.  He is actually such a sweet dog that helped me get through something I didn't know I could get through, and for that I will always love him.


I am happy knowing that I have been blessed with so many angels in my life, both on this side of the veil and the other.


This post also made me wish that I had more pictures with my loved ones.  I need to be better about capturing those moments!