Lucky Day

Ignore the dust, but do you see my new dining chairs?  And how the clock matches perfectly?!

I don’t know when I turned into the kind of person that would get so excited over clocks and matching chairs.  But hey, they are freaking cute and I totally manifested them.

I was actually planning a road trip all the way to Wisconsin, just to buy chairs exactly like these.  That’s how crazy I was about them.

And then bam!  These appeared in the listings, not even 20 miles away from me. Not only that, but the sellers just dropped their original price by $25 as soon as I met up with them in person, which was so incredibly nice of them!

So I didn’t have to drive across the country, pay a ridiculous amount on shipping, or be haunted by furniture I would never have.  Today was a win!  Still wouldn’t mind taking a road trip though.  But I suppose we would want more of an itinerary than picking up a few chairs.

Prompt #8

 What is love in your own definition?

Love is the opposite of fear.  I think it’s related to being brave, in the sense that you are opening yourself up even though it could end up hurting you.

To me, love isn’t something you just fall in and out of.  Rather, it’s a choice that you continuously make.  The choice to set aside judgment and instead show kindness so that you can allow somebody to feel accepted and appreciated.

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I feel lucky because I have a loving family and I get to love so many people.  And I really do love my life!  But me?  I wish it weren’t so hard to just love me.

When I drink or use my meds in a more recreational way, I see a glimpse of the fun, creative girl that I used to be.  It’s easier to like myself when she comes out, and it seems other people like me better that way too.  Or maybe I just couldn’t give a crap about what other people think of me in that state of mind, even if I wanted to?  I don’t know.  I just know that I like being able to forget my insecurities, but the way I’ve been achieving it has been wreaking havoc on my health.

But I don’t know that I want to stop.

I don’t like, let alone love, who I am these days.  I miss the girl I was before I was hurt by fake friends and fake love.  The one who didn’t worry that she’d spot her ex’s family or one of their cronies in the safety of her hometown.  The one who would sing her heart out on her porch as she’d tinker around on a guitar.  A girl who didn’t feel held back in her self-made prison of emotional walls.  That girl wasn’t so scared of being hurt like I am.  She was so much more brave.

I suppose it’s a false sense of bravery, but numbing is the only way that I know how to find that right now.  It’s sad, isn’t it?  Sad that I have to use substances to make my brain shut off in order to quit judging myself.

I truly didn’t expect much from this prompt when I saw it, but it did get me thinking.  Is it trauma that has stopped me from singing, dancing, and even talking without tripping over my words?  Is there another way I can shut down this constant negative self-talk that makes me want to hide, rather than shut down my brain?

I want to stop judging myself and show myself some kindness, but I haven’t found a healthy way to do that yet.

Prompt #7

 What do I struggle with most and how can I fix it?

I feel like I just made a lengthy post about this, but I struggle to find genuine friends.  The people I befriend pretty much always use me and/or talk shit about me behind my back.  And I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t get to me.  It really does make me doubt myself.  It makes me wonder if I actually deserve to be treated that way.  Not that I’m such a perfect person who could do no wrong, but I’m going to go ahead and say that I deserve better than that.

So in a nutshell my solution to this struggle is to just not make friends anymore.  Once in a while I’ll find kindred spirits through my work, but it’s important to be professional and allow the client reach out as a friend if that’s what they’re comfortable with.  And maybe if I reach out to somebody that I haven’t seen in a while they could potentially become a friend.  But for now it’s easier to just keep my wall up.

And really, I’m not alone.  I’ve got my family on my side always and I’m totally happy when I’m with them.  So do I really need friends?  Nope.  But I do need to stop caring what people think about me.