Prompt #1

What was my first heart break?  Have I let it follow me?

From the time I was six to the time I was about nine, I had one friend that I would play with almost everyday.  We would bicker every now and again, but in this particular moment I thought we were doing great.

After a fun day of playing at her house I was putting my shoes on to go home, and in the next room over I heard that “friend” start bashing on me to her parents and brother.

“thank goodness that’s over!  Kristen is so annoying and always has to have her way.”  

More than 15 years later, I still remember what words were said and how they were said.

It was clear she talked like that behind my back often, as she jumped so fast into shit-talking mode that she forgot to wait for me to actually leave this time.  It really stung to discover that my best friend hated me so much, and my nine-year-old heart totally sank in that moment.

Tears filled my eyes as I tried to get my shoes tied faster so I could get the hell out of there.  Her brother poked his head around the corner to see that I hadn’t left and signaled for her to stop talking.

I never got an apology.  Just fake politeness from her and her family to comfort me as I hurried out of that uncomfortable situation.

I cried that whole walk home.  And then cried some more after getting home.

Want to know what’s even more messed up? I still considered her my friend, even after that.  I put a lot into keeping our friendship going, but of course she stopped as soon as we hit junior high, and it wasn’t until I was about nineteen years old that I realized what a horrible friend she always was, and that I had spent more than a decade investing in this dead friendship.

To answer the second half of this prompt, yes.  Yes, I have allowed this to follow me.  I still don’t know if true gal-pals really exist.  I still have this feeling that people are going to talk shit about me the moment I leave the room.  And sadly, those theories have seemingly been proven right with each friend I’ve had since.

They all ditch me sooner or later.

Unless I’m useful for something.  Whether  it be for free advice in my field of work, or a job opportunity, or a free treatment.  Or if I’m somehow connected to somebody they want to get closer to.  Oh boy, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been blatantly used for that!

I’m so sick of these fake friends.

I’m tired of these jealous, competitive girls who put me down to feel better.

And it truly SUCKS that it has taken me this long to just accept this friendless path I’m apparently meant to be on.  Sure, it’s a lonely one. But it’s even lonelier keeping these friendships alive for so long, only to one day realize how one-sided it has all been.

Besides, I’ve got my family.  They matter way more than friends do anyway.

Those Who Matter Won’t Mind

My golly, doesn’t it feel so nice to let go of worrying how other people see you?

I wouldn’t know!  I’m so far from that point.

But I do know that I want to work on it.  Living my life crammed up in my tiny comfort zone and being a people-pleaser isn’t making me happy.  I don’t want to leave this world without any evidence that I ever existed, so it’s time to start leaving a mark.

It’s definitely easier said than done.  I’m not sure how one stops overthinking what other people might be thinking, but I’ll be brainstorming that in back of my mind for now.

—

In case I need the reminders…

* If you recognize somebody when you’re out and about, wave hello.  Go ask them what they’ve been up to.  Other then a couple of minutes, what do you really have to lose?

* Not everything in life has to be taken so seriously, including you.

* Relish embarrassing moments.

* Don’t be afraid to step on some toes to stick up for somebody.  Do you really give a flying crap if a gossipy person won’t like you anymore?

* The moment you think that you’re possibly being an asshole, acknowledge it and apologize.

* Be too busy enjoying your wonderful life to pay mind to the people who will never like you.  Seeing you happy would probably just piss them off more, and we love to see it!

Jumping Back On the Wagon

I’m an all or nothing kind of person, especially when it comes to how I eat and exercise.  It’s so unhealthy!  I know it is, yet I still let that mindset either lead me to burn myself out or tell me what a failure I am until I give up on my goals all too often.

Today I got to see some of Taylor’s extended family, and it was a good time.  So good that I let myself get a little careless with what I ate.  And that careless attitude kind of followed me home after that.  It’s been bumming me out a bit.

Normally I would let a moment like this be an excuse to binge on any other “bad” foods in sight, and I started doing just that until I caught myself making it an excuse to not exercise tonight.

Not today, Satan!

I have been working way too hard to let myself give up over some junk food and dessert- which I have to shamelessly show off on here because I think it turned out cute:

(It was gluten-free too, so I guess that’s a small win?  Haha)

Did I overeat today?  Yup.  And I don’t have celebrate it.  Nor should I be so devastated over it.

I just gotta acknowledge this all-or-nothing mindset right now and tell its  negative voice that I WILL be running tonight anyway, because I deserve to feel better about myself.

I can’t expect to be perfect 100% of the time, but I had better be putting in 100% when I see the chance.  Even if I’m not quite to the level I want to be at, putting in what I’ve got each day is what will actually get me closer to it.  It’s practice.

I also have to remember that I only picked up running less than 2 weeks ago, after years of being fairly sedentary and binge eating, so why should I expect it to be easy to exercise AND eat healthy at this point?  Loving healthy food is going to be a learning process for me, so I’d better be patient as I’m teaching myself or else I’m going to want to give up.  I’ll get there eventually, but for now I’m focusing on exercising each day.  That’s it.

And honestly, I should really be focusing on my wins here.  I haven’t missed any days of working out yet, and I’m proud of myself for that!  I may have overeaten today, but I avoided gluten so I didn’t sentence myself to a week of lethargy and pain.  There’s another win.

So what am I actually rambling about this time?  I guess the moral of the story here is that focusing on resilience is so much more effective than focusing on restriction.  The all-or-nothing mentality is so restricting and I need to kick it right in the butt!