Feeling Pretty Blah.

It’s well into the afternoon and I still haven’t set a foot outside of my bed.

There are a whole bunch of missed calls and e-mails for work, but I don’t even know where to begin tackling them today.

I was trying so hard to be happier, but the moment I have to support somebody else who is feeling down, I realize I’m not strong enough.  I can’t take the weight and that makes me feel pretty useless.

Direction, Not Perfection

I’ve obviously not been my happiest self these days and I’ve clearly let negative experiences turn me into a cold person.

Even though I think my feelings are valid and it can help to acknowledge them, I’m also sick of not living my life as fully as I could.  I mean, I’m already 1/3 of the way through my life, and what have I even done with it besides marrying my soulmate?

I need to move forward now.

And in order to do that, I’ll have to accept that I may never be completely free of this void that follows me.  I may never be able to experience perfect happiness because of it and that really sucks.  But I also can’t use that as an excuse anymore.

It would be better to start on the path to being partially happy, than it would be to continue sitting in misery while I wait for happiness to find me.

Another thing I’ll have to accept is that 2020 hates everybody, and I’m certainly no exception to that rule.  So when my plans inevitably get ruined I need to get back up as fast as I can and look for another way.

Resilience is key here.

All of that is definitely easier said than done and I’m not exactly sure where to start on my path to being a happier me.  But practicing gratitude seems like it could be a good first step in the right direction.

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I'm the Storm That Never Leaves

I have a confession.

For the past few years I've been trying to make a living out of helping others feel beautiful.  More often than not, my clients come in needing to lift their spirits and I preach to them about the importance of being happy with who they are.

But the truth is, I can't even find beauty in myself.

I look in the mirror and I don't love what I can physically see.  Not at all.
What's worse, I'm not so sure I like who I am on the inside either.

Even putting these feelings out here is showing me just how lost I've become.  When I compare my posts from the beginning of this blog to now...

I just wish I knew where to find that girl who was so good at appearing bright and cheerful on the outside.

Is she really gone forever?

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*This image isn't mine, I  found it at https://nobodyspeaks.home.blog/tag/learning-to-face-the-monster-in-the-mirror/

Bottled Up.

I haven’t posted in a quite a while, but I have written now and again. What I write just doesn’t get published.
Drafts and drafts of things I wish I could say.
But I can’t bring myself to do it.
It’s not like anybody even cares enough to read this stupid blog. But what if somebody did? I wouldn’t want them to worry or have to hear this dark voice in my head.
It’s ugly and I wouldn’t want to put that negativity out.

But then there’s the issue of holding it inside.
It's hard to sort out these thoughts and feelings in an unpleasant place like my mind.
So then I try to get outside of myself and talk to people, but people don't seem to want me around much. Being ignored and cut out over and over again only validates what this dark voice has been telling me all along.

There is no place for me.